The secret to trusting again


When we spend a big portion of our life dating in search for love, we often get a slap in the face.

A charming, prepossessing woman can actually be super selfish, and a wonderfully charismatic man can actually be a deceitful liar.

From Maputo to Beirut, everyone identifies with the following set of statements:
“Why was I so naïve to trust so easily?”
“How could I have been so stupid?”
“Why didn’t I see it coming?”

We’ve all been there.

And we’ve all learned our lesson. In a different way. At a different pace. Experience is good, it makes you tougher.

The downside?

Past experiences give you a hard time trusting again.

And the “next” guy or girl ends up paying the price for what their predecessors did.

But… what if you had the secret to knowing if a person who attracts you is trustworthy?

I’m going to sound like a life coach trying to sell you a 3 min video: THAT SECRET, I HAVE IT.

I’ll tell you what the secret is, but first you have to pay… joking, first I have to tell you how I discovered it.

People who usually lie always end up contradicting themselves. And most do so fairly quickly. In addition, most of us (unless we’re super super naïve) feel it when someone is just trying to seduce us with cheap sweet talk: it is calculated, measured and controlled.

A person who speaks spontaneously lets himself or herself go; and what’s more, it’s that when someone is honest and true, we can’t but feel it. We know he or she is not lying.

So I always knew fairly quickly how to detect deceptive characters.

All happy and proud of myself, it was easy for me to trust; I was sure that no one could lie to me.

Well guess what? I got fooled just like everyone else.

And here’s the story.

So I was seeing this guy and he was all over me.

If I was busy on weekends with my family, he’d ask for attention and act cute and show all the typical signs that a guy is genuinely interested in you.

He’d make plans and pick me up and the rest of it.

4 weeks later he asked me to accompany him on a trip outside the country. Being a person who loves flying, I said yes and booked my ticket.

That same week I had an accident and hurt my leg. While being attended to in the ER, I took a photo of the leg and sent it to the guy. He didn’t even call to check on me. He just asked me over BBM what went wrong, and I said I had a gym accident and that the leg was being stitched. He asked me to call him if I needed him to come. I said it was under control, and that I could drive back because it was my left leg that got hurt. #sign

And being an independent woman with an image to keep, I fooled myself into believing that it was only normal that he wouldn’t rush for help. I said I was on top of things, and he took my word for it.

And I kept seeing him.
Until I got a phone call from a girl. She was the other girl he was seeing. And they were together when I was lying down in the ER room.

The other girl discovered by chance the hotel recommendations I had sent him for our little trip. Which sent her on a trip and made her get in touch with me.

And we met and compared notes. She had asked him why he wasn’t taking her with him on his trip, and he said he was going with the boys. So we both stopped talking to him, became friends, and made sure he knew it. But the harm was done. To the ego. To the trusting capabilities.

Mira shares her story.

“I dated this guy for three years and I trusted him blindly. We had vowed to never lie to each other and never hide anything from each other. Towards the end of our relationship, I felt that he had started hiding things from me and lying, but my blind deep trust told me otherwise. I couldn’t trust my instinct because I trusted him. The day we finally ended it, I discovered that he was hiding from me important info about his health, and this is when I really felt that I can not be in this relationship anymore. At the same time, I discovered by chance that while we were still together, he hit on a girl he met through me. That was it for me. This story made me forget all the love and all the passion. But the good thing is that it helped me a lot in my healing process, and whilst I thought that I would spend months crying over our lost love, it only took me a week to get over him. And I thought that I had healed and it felt good. What I didn’t know back then, is that he destroyed my trust in men.
I met another guy and I couldn’t believe a word he said, I just couldn’t. I doubted everything he’d say. At first I thought it was him, but then after some self-analysis I realized that I had trust issues. I don’t trust men anymore. And it’s terrible.
So, for the time being, I know I have a lot to do working on my trust issues.”

I personally lived in denial vis-à-vis signs, until I was strong enough, independent enough, and loved myself enough to be able to stomach the truth. And I finally discovered the simple secret.

Yes, it’s true; sooner or later the truth comes out. But it’s better to skip the disappointment phase if we get the chance.

As one famous American writer once said: “What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.”

LISTEN TO ACTIONS, NOT WORDS. And don’t ignore signs.

How to know if you can trust this person you just met? Here are some tips:

Listen to their actions, not their words: he says he loves you, but is he there for you when you are not feeling/doing well?
She says she appreciates you, but does she show genuine interest in your likes and dislikes, your activities?

Listen to their past: how did that person behave in previous relationships? How does he or she speak of their exes? Does he or she blame them all for the breakups? Is there a pattern there?

Give yourself time: you cannot really know your partner in a day or even a few weeks. Take your time before you let yourself fall in trust.

Happy 2016! May it restore and strengthen our trust in each other.

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